Seven Ways to Tell if Applebee’s (Allegedly) Accidentally Got Your Baby Drunk

This post originally ran on Food Riot, which has closed its doors. I’m rerunning some of my favorite posts I did for the magazine before it goes dark forever. 

drunk babyHuffington Post ran an article this week about a restaurant in New York that allegedly served children mimosas instead of orange juice during brunch. While the news might be shocking (or not) to some, it was the final paragraph that I found most surprising:

Young children are served alcohol at restaurants disturbingly often. Chain restaurants seem to be particularly susceptible to the error. Children as young as four have allegedly been served alcohol by mistake at Olive Garden, Applebee’s, and Chili’s since 2011.

So in my desire to be helpful, here are seven ways to tell if Applebee’s (allegedly) accidentally got your child drunk.

Drunk Texting

Your child takes your phone and begins drunk texting Grandma, the other moms from the soccer team, and the neighbors, demanding their immediate presence at Applebee’s, where things are “awesome.”

Exhibitionism

Your child leaves the booth, drops his pants, and begins singing, “Head, shoulders, knees, and toes, KNEES AND TOES. Everybody!”

Moroseness

When adults don’t join in with “Knees and toes,” child goes to a dark, quiet place. He sits with his head in his hands, his plate in front of him, lamenting his mediocre kickball skills and the fact that all the kids at school know he eats glue. “They KNOW it. These chicken nuggets know it. And they mock me.”

Loss of Sensation

Your child taps the tip of his nose, finds it numb, and demands to know who took his nose. “Who’s got my nose?”

Deep Thoughts

Your child suddenly realizes how deeply disturbing “Go, Diego, Go” actually is. “Children, picking up animals in distress. I mean, he’s my age. What am I doing with my life? You won’t even let me pick up healthy cats, but Diego gets to have a cool jungle cat for his friend and help injured whales without adult supervision? This is bullshit!”

Use of Expletives

Your baby just said, “bullshit.”

Fatigue

Your child’s hot fudge sundae arrives at the table, but your child has passed out, using the sugar caddy as a pillow.


4 thoughts on “Seven Ways to Tell if Applebee’s (Allegedly) Accidentally Got Your Baby Drunk

  1. Disturbingly often! Since mine is a frugal blog, maybe I should start running around to chain restaurants with the grandbabies and trading out my juice with theirs to get free drinks!

    Loved your “signs.”

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